It has been said that there are two things every man thinks he knows how to do: how to flirt with a girl and how to win a fight. However, looking around us, we can’t help but admit: there is a breed of men that are somehow far more attractive than the average person. However, we don’t know why is it that these men are more attractive to women. We tend to chuck it off to either one of two things: looks or money. Repeat something often enough and people regard it as true.
Over here at The Social Lifestyle, we like to believe that looks and money don’t matter in the art of seduction. Of course it does help, that we will give it to you. But the truth about money is all it does is allow for more opportunities and allows you to create better experiences for yourself and the women around you. Women are drawn to experiences rather than money itself.
That said, it is far more fulfilling to have a girl like you purely based on charisma and charm. I like my relationships to be a sexual exchange rather than a monetary one. Daygame is the purest expression of the sexual exchange; you are putting your personality and your self in front of the girl and using nothing else to create attraction. If that is not fulfulling, I don’t know what is.
Don’t get me wrong: this is not an article telling you to “just be yourself”. The inner circle men (i.e., sexworthy men) are adept at displaying certain behavioral cues that communicate to women that they are men that women want. They don’t have to rely on social proof (in fact, social proof can be devastating) but merely from the way they behave. If you are not a natural, fret not, I will attempt to reverse engineer the signs of success and hopefully teach you how to flirt with a girl and create sexual tension when dealing with ‘maybe’ girls.
Paralinguistics is basically a fancy, sciency way to refer to tone of voice. Research has shown that women are more attracted to men with deep, and slightly ‘breathy’ voices because it signals a larger physical stature as well as non-aggressiveness. In many animal species, the mating call is used to signal physical characteristics through the tonal characteristics.
If you find that your vocal tonality is too high, practice lowering your octave range by humming the deepest and loudest you can. Most men generally have an acceptable range, but it is important that you don’t sound too nasally or kiddy while you are flirting with women.
The next aspect of paralinguistics when learning how to flirt with a girl is intonation—or whether you are constantly appearing to seek permission when you speak. In PUA terms, it’s ‘up talk’, ‘flat talk’, or ‘down talk’. Up talk is when your sentences end with a raised inflection as if you are asking a question. Some guys when they speak to women tend to use up talk even when they are not asking questions. It communicates that you are seeking rapport or permission from the girl.
Instead, try not to inflect upwards when asking questions, as though you are making a statement. It won’t sound weird because questions in itself are phrased differently from statements (“Where is the nearest Starbucks?” versus “The nearest Starbucks is over there.”) Down talk has a more commanding tone and can be used sparingly to establish dominance or skepticism—which is hugely important when learning how to flirt with a girl.
Expressing skepticism is one of the ways to lightly challenge a girl’s opinions or views and make for great banter. It also tells her that you aren’t just falling into her frame and agreeing with everything you say, and that you are a man who knows what he wants and doesn’t just go with the status quo.
The next is oculesics, or eye communication. Eye contact is one part of learning how to flirt with a girl. The way you look deep into her pupils establishes dominance and control. Sure, stare deeply into her eyes and “transmit” sexual thoughts through your gaze. That is immensely powerful when trying to create sexual connection. However, there is more to oculesics than just eye contact.
Letting your gaze wander is also powerful in making her chase you. Don’t be afraid to just let your eyes wander off if she is immensely boring, or just to keep her on her toes. If she’s attracted, she will attempt to snatch your attention. It also communicates that you are not 100% sold on her yet. That you’re not just on all the time, but you also get lost in thought at times—marveling at the wonders of the world around you.
Creating sexual tension is a finely-tuned balance of on and off. If you are on all the time, she knows she’s got you in the bag and will lose attraction. If you’re off all the time, she will think you are not interested or rude. Depending on the flow of the conversation, sometimes you want to give her your undivided attention and when you cycle back to fluff talk and banter, it’s alright to just let your gaze wander off occasionally.
Next, watch your posture and positioning when practicing how to flirt with a girl. On dates, in venue 1, I like to take power positions. Power positions include having my back against the wall, across from her, and where I can lean and spread out comfortably. On the other hand, the girl is seated across from me, on a harder seat or stool, and her field of vision is only me and the wall. This positioning is often adopted in job interviews or in the boss’s office. This also establishes a strong frame and limits her distractions.
Lean back, and take up as much space as possible. Don’t be afraid to move her around or just lead her to areas where you can get into a power position. When approaching a girl, sometimes this isn’t possible, but the simplest hack is to just move her towards a pillar and then leaning your palm on it. This is a very subtle but powerful way to control the frame.
Don’t mistake it for manipulation. You are only doing these because women respond to this. They want a man who can lead and who is comfortable in his own skin. And if you are uncomfortable with the situation, leaning against a pillar or sitting in a power position won’t do anything to help. Your microexpressions and other body language will be screaming incongruence and she will notice it. If you are nervous, you won’t be able to lean back and spread out. So work on your inner game of being confident on the inside rather than trying and failing to display these outer game behaviors.
A key component in creating sexual tension and how to flirt with a girl is physical touch. Skin on skin contact is crucial in establishing sexual tension. Not only because it is intimate, but because you are subtly testing for compliance and establishing dominance by taking control of her body. It is crucial that you don’t force the physical touch unnaturally. Use it as a litmus test for compliance. If she has an interesting bracelet and you comment on it while taking her hand, you are taking control. And if she doesn’t flinch or tense up, then you know she is comfortable with you and you can move forward.
In terms of physical escalation, always start with safe zones like the arm, thigh, or upper back. Guide her upper back through doors, hold her arm when you are emphasizing a point, or lightly squeeze her thigh when you want to get her attention. Any resistance or tensing up is a sign you should back off. Escalate on amber or green lights. Stop on red lights.
The next level is touching her fingers (e.g., rings or tattoos), lower back, and palms (handshakes are an exception). Again, once she is comfortable with that, then escalate. The final stage will be her hair or ears.
Physical touch should also not be an isolated, random thing. It has to be intentional and used together with verbal game. For example, if she’s talking and you want to tell her to excuse you, just look her in the eyes and squeeze her upper arm while you say excuse me. It is to emphasize words, not independent of words.
An exception is the handshake, when you’re meeting her, your palms are touching. If you are feeling confident and playful, when she extends her hand for the greeting, turn her palm downwards (so that your hand is below hers) and pull it towards your chest. Then continue the conversation with strong eye contact while holding her hand. It’s a great way to create a deer in headlights moment in her because it’s strong and sexual. Then just let it go after a while when you’re moving into banter.
Teases and Compliments
Or push-pull, in general. Like touch, teases and compliments should be done in escalated intimacy. On the surface, when you’ve just met, you should compliment her on something superficial and visible, and also, more importantly, her character and passions. While establishing rapport and comfort, this is vital because it lets her know that you appreciate her “inner beauty”. Ironically, society tells us that appreciating someone’s inner beauty is the deepest form of connection. But it’s actually the opposite.
As intimacy increases, and you get amber or green lights when complimenting her personality or passions, you can now move to complimenting her style and behaviors. Complimenting her femininity, the way she laughs, the little quirks about her. That is stage two intimacy. You can now tell her what you find adorable about her little behaviors that she shows. And if you get the go ahead to move to even more intimate compliments, you can now compliment her on her body and sexuality. The way her hips sway from side to side when she walks—very hypnotic; very sexy. The way she gazes into your eyes and bites her lips when she’s nervous and is looking for you to lead. You can compliment her figure, her long legs, her breasts. Anything.
This is the last stage when she is so comfortable around you and has green lit you to increased intimacy. This, together with physical touch, is crucial in learning how to flirt with a girl. Most guys are afraid to push it, and when they do, it is uncalibrated. Because they have not tested for compliance and the girl has not given them the green light to escalate verbally or physically.
Finally, the most elusive, but the KEY INGREDIENT when learning how to flirt with a girl. Always maintain the frame. What that means is that you are always leading, and she is always following. Even in the moments where you let her lead, you LET her lead, and she is invested in your opinion and always thinking about what’s best for you.
The moment you give up the frame, and the girl does not care about your opinion of her or her decisions, the attraction is lost. This means that as long as she is attempting to derail the train by testing you, she is losing respect for your authority and wants to help you regain it. Fail the test and she loses attraction; pass the test and she will be even more attracted.
The icing on the cake. Women love a funny man. Not ha-ha funny, but a clever man. Being witty is indicative of being knowledgeable and sharp. A man who thinks quickly, and is able to respond in a witty way is attractive because wit shows that you are comfortable. A man who is anxious and tensed is usually not the wittiest. Conversely, if a man is able to sing or tell a joke in a high-stress situation, it shows that he is not stressed out and is in control. Which is why Deadpool seems like such a badass.
But when practicing how to flirt with a girl, leave wit for the last. Focus on the first few points and get them down, and when you get comfortable building and maintaining sexual tension with women, then the wit and humor will express itself naturally.If you found this post useful, great! But all that knowledge means nothing until you put it into action. Stop procrasturbating and start taking action...first by being a part of our closed-doors, roundtable of elite players in Singapore. Click here to see how you can get access to The Social Gym and start working your social muscles.
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