Many PUAs are often surprised and mildly horrified by the fact that almost everyone in my life, of moderate significance, knows that I do and coach men how to pick women up on the streets. This includes my male friends, female friends, parents, siblings, and (oh no, he didn’t just say) girls I date. Yes, girls I see on the regular know full well what’s going on. And surprise, surprise, they don’t usually care as much as you’d think. In fact, some find it intriguing and as a result, this launches into wonderfully emotive conversations and debates about gender dynamics, differences, the nature of relationships, equality, and even “what is love?” You’re probably wondering how I learned how to not be shy about pick up?
Yet, I am fully aware of the stigma that society tags on to “pick up”. And many guys, because of this stigma, keep it close to them after being burnt repeatedly by mockery and scoffing from the uninitiated. I know what this feels like. My last relationship over four years ago ended and I lost a core group of friends because of this. I did what many men mistakenly try to do when explaining what “pick up” really is. I used to always sit on the defensive, beating the point that pick up is just about self-improvement and learning how to be more sociable. Trying to get them to accept my perspective without actually getting them.
So, in the following sections, I want to explain the origins of this stigma, not only towards pick up, but towards sex as a whole, how to detach yourself from ego-protection, the merits of being unashamed of taking on the identity, why it necessary for breaking through limiting beliefs and elevating your game, and how to not be shy about talking about pick up.
You’re going to be in for a ride. Best buckle up.
Oh, and before that, do try your best to momentarily suspend your inner voice that instinctively jumps in to debate every single point in a combative manner. Just read it from as neutral a standpoint as possible. Let it sit. Form your arguments. Then engage in a civil, well-thought out discussion in the comments below. Now on to the show. Here’s how to not be shy.
Cultural Adaptation Lag
The social landscape and the world around us has always shifted faster than we can adapt to it. Despite being the most adaptive creatures, which gave us the ability to literally take over the world, there is still a slight lag when it comes to catching on to changes. The smart nerdy people call this cultural lag (or cultural adaptation lag).
Think about this for a moment, just a few generations ago, society wasn’t so well-developed with skyscrapers reaching up to the skies or people’s eyes constantly being glued to a little tiny black mirror (I bet you just noticed your reflection on your screen). The average person was either a small business owner, farmer, or did some sort of white collar/blue collar job. Starting a family back then was the social imperative that most people subscribed to. Dating, marriage, and sex was purely functional and not so much for self-fulfillment or pleasure.
If your great grandparents needed help on the farm, they raised kids to do the job. They probably didn’t think about finding true love or soul mates—or getting orgasms. Thus the social narrative back then was: meet a good, hardworking man, raise a family with him, and support each other fiscally and emotionally. Divorce rates were lower because as long as the man fit the criteria, paid the bills, and the woman took care of the home, there was no incentive to leave.
Fast forward to today in our world of iPhones, liberal arts colleges, and cloud streaming services, we’ve moved significantly up the ladder. Collectively, more developed nations have risen to somewhere between “Esteem” and “Self actualization” on the hierarchy of needs. For people of our generation, love and sex for pleasure is something we actually think about and pursue. However, being brought up by a Tumblr-less generation with a dearth of movies like “The Fault in Our Stars” and pink-haired feminists, our beliefs and values are still very much influenced by the previous generation’s beliefs and values, which were very much influenced by the previous generation’s beliefs and values.
If you’ve talked to womenfolk, you’d probably be able to see that a lot of times, the concept of “love” or the perfect man, is just a mixture of traditional functionalist dating beliefs and modern hedonistic pursuits. That is, contractual marriage is important, but it has to be a happy and fulfilling marriage. They cling on to this naive ideal that really doesn’t work out, as seen in increasing media attention on domestic abuse, increased divorce rates (incidentally an example of cultural lag), and just a gender-war shitfest in general.
Now, I’ve written briefly about the nature of relationships and whether monogamy is beneficial or not, but that’s besides the point. The point I’m making here is that, marriage used to be a functional contractual agreement. But even though our needs have evolved past that into the realm of self-fulfillment and happiness, somehow we still hold on to—even worse, merging both of these—archaic beliefs
The Shame Society
What does that have anything to do with pick up, how to not be shy, or anything game-related for that matter? Hold on to your jimmies, Jimmy. I’m about to get to that.
See, the problem lies with our modern society’s inability to adopt new beliefs quickly in general. This is called a Conservative Bias (or conservatism). Even if we do change our beliefs, it’s in insufficient increments that we might as well not do it at all. In fact, in the face of overwhelming counter-evidence to our beliefs, we might even hold on to our beliefs ever more fervently. Isn’t the human mind wonderful?
On a micro, more personal level, our preference for in-group members greatly inhibits our desire to meet new, unknown people. Pick up aside, how weird is it to tell someone that you like to go on the streets and approach random men or women with the sole intention of making friends? Pretty weird, huh. Our in-group preference drives us to seek friends only through familiar groups such as introduction by other friends, or by joining groups that we personally identify with such as hobby groups.
When you increase the probability of encountering an “out group” person, you increase the perception of weirdness. There is a higher chance that you’ll meet someone you have nothing in common with on the streets than, say, at a bowling club if you’re an avid bowler. The notion of making friends solely for the sake of building a stronger network is unheard of. Let alone meeting a girl that you potentially want to date that you probably might have nothing in common with and have to learn how to not be shy in such situations.
This ties back to the mismatched amalgam of the myth that “your spouse/partner is going to share your life so the both of you must have something in common if you want to date them” and “I enjoy doing said activity so I would probably enjoy being with someone who does the same activity”. But people’s misperception of dating and relationships is, as we explained, based on unfounded, irrational, love-is-ineffable bullshit. We think that the more similar the person is to us, the more we will be compatible with the person. After all, our friends are only our friends because of commonalities. Right? True, but sometimes the commonalities are arbitrary, like nothing more than you went to the same school.
And what is the human’s natural reflex to something they don’t understand? They scoff. They shame. They stigmatize. They summon their high horse, mount it, and then laugh at you from a place of misplaced superiority. And when more than one person reacts that way, it affects us. We feel ashamed. We think that what we’re doing is weird. They call us creepy and it affects us on a deep level. Sure, the more rebellious of us might point back and laugh, but deep inside we still know that society doesn’t accept it. We try our best to “de-creepify” pick up by dropping in-group jargon like “negging” and “sarging”, and trying to be more mainstream-friendly. The problem is that we believe that pick up is socially not accepted, which reinforces the stigma.
How Does It Affect Us?
Which is one of the root causes of approach anxiety. Not exactly Mystery’s small tribe hypothesis. Most guys probably have no issue talking to store clerks or survey people or genuinely asking for directions. But when deep inside we know our intentions and actions are incongruent—for example, when we ask for directions but we know we are just trying to create conversation—we feel fear. We are afraid of being caught. Of being called out and humiliated.
Even with the direct approach, which cured the symptom of this fear, didn’t tackle the root problem. Most pick up artists use the direct opener as the ‘knock out punch’ to overcome the fear. But deep inside the incongruence eats away at their insecurities. What if I tell her she’s cute and other people are listening and everyone thinks I’m weird? These guys know that they don’t usually compliment people; that what they’re doing is what they learned about how to not be shy from a pick up book or a dating academy coach and it is not a true expression of their intentions—which goes against the definition of what art is and not really internalizing how to not be shy.
This incongruence then reflects in our vocal tonality, body language, sexual vibe, and microexpressions—from which women use to gauge intent. When they feel that you don’t mean what you say, they become skeptical.
In the bigger picture, this because a segmented part of your life that you dissociate from your ‘regular’ life. You develop the pick up artist’s on/off switch—where game and self improvement is separate from your school life or your church life or your work life. You start to develop a twisted sort of guilt where if you see a hot girl and don’t approach her, you beat yourself up because ‘must approach hot girl’. Pick up, self improvement, how to not be shy, and game, despite being a huge part of your identity, is kept separate. And when you’re with your friends and playing the role of ‘friend’ rather than ‘pick up artist’, you find yourself stumbling—unable to eloquently convince them of the wonders of cold approach pick up.
If you don’t believe in the cause, you won’t be able to create real change. And even if you think you believe in the cause, but are afraid to proclaim it as part of who you are, then no, you don’t really believe in it. There are people who believed that some two millenia ago, there was a man-god who walked the Earth and literally turned water into wine, resurrected a dead man, walked on water, and actually died and came back to life. I’m not shitting on any religion, but believers are proud to proclaim these as truth. They have been doing so for centuries and will continue to do so at the risk of being ostracized and ridiculed. Now, rethink your ‘belief’ in pick up.
Any ounce of fear or shame will seep through your interactions, is what I’m saying. As long as you feel what you’re doing is something even mildly unacceptable, you’ll be afraid of getting caught. And it’s not even about being ashamed of pick up. Being ashamed of owning your sexuality also affects your ability to pick women up. If sexual intentions and desire are something to be hidden, your interaction with women will always be muted.
Now, don’t mistake the opposite of unashamed as just flagrantly shoving it in everyone’s face. This isn’t about you having to verbalize sex or pick up to everyone, everywhere, every time. This is about your inner belief. Do you own that aspect of your identity 100%? If not pick up, then your sexuality. Are you afraid to admit that the primary drive to learn pick up is to have sex with beautiful women? Emotional connection, self-improvement, fostering healthy relationships, building mental fortitude, these are all great, but they all merely revolve around sex to improve relationships. Take that away, and everything falls apart.
Pick up is not the only path to self improvement. It is, however, the only path to self improvement through sex. To say that you are in this just to push yourself out of your comfort zone is not enough; it is not a real enough reason.
How To Not Be Shy
Like I said, it’s not about just going about evangelizing the greatness of game or pick up. Or talking about sex, sex, and sex in an uncalibrated, inappropriate manner. There is an elegance to it.
1. Be as Nonchalant About Mentioning Pick Up/Sex Unless Declarative
That means, say you’re out with friends and you see an amazing woman you want to hit on, just casually say, “Hold on, I want to meet her.” Don’t make the whole affair a big deal. If you were walking past a shoe shop and you see a beautiful pair of sneakers, wouldn’t you just casually say, “Hold on, I want to take a look at those shoes”? When you project something as normal, over time, people are going to accept it as normal. There’s no need to always be declarative about everything; there is a right time for that. Otherwise, just keep it matter-of-fact, like how you would tell that someone that you’re an accountant if you were an accountant.
2. Minimal Elaboration
There’s no need to over-elaborate or explain when people ask. Keep your views about pick up and sex short and just a couple of sentences, and if they are interested, they will ask more questions, if not, they will stop, and it wouldn’t seem like you’re pushing your views onto them.
3. You have to be real About It
Whether talking to your friends about pick up or displaying sexual interest to a girl, it has to come from a place of realness. Real recognizes real, so if she’s being honest and open, then be honest and open. If she has barriers, then it’s alright to employ certain conversational tricks to break down barriers so that she can be real with you and learn how to not be shy around you. As explained at the start of this article, sometimes people develop irrational beliefs that cause them to throw barriers up unwittingly.
Learning pick up is all about breaking down those barriers so the real you can see the real her, leading to amazing sex. When there are barriers and a lack of trust, everything from emotional connection, conversation, and sex will all feel very shallow and unenjoyable.
4. Plant The Seeds But Don’t Expect To Change Minds
Because of our biases, we tend to take a long time and very specific personal triggers before we change our stance and beliefs on an issue. That means, don’t expect to logically convince anyone that pick up is the best. Merely plant the seeds, which come from a value-giving supportive frame, then step back, and let it take root. Recently, there was a good friend of mine who told me he really liked a girl and wasn’t sure what to text her.
At first, I was corresponding over text with him but then he shared that he wanted to ask her out on a date. I immediately met him in person and excitedly asked him for his date plans. I told him how to preempt her that it was going to be a date and then how I usually plan my dates. In the end he took none of that advice, and nothing came from it. But am I disappointed? No. I see that the seed has been planted; that he was humble enough to put aside the ego and seek help how to not be shy was a good thing. Even if he wasn’t confident enough in executing my full date plan, he did what he felt was right.
For me, it also took me a while to realize that what I was doing wasn’t working out for me and eventually taking on advice, learning how to not be shy around women, and then changing the way I do things. Even up till today I’m still working on that. The seeds have been planted, they just need time for the right conditions to activate the seeds so that they can grow.
So the point of how to not be shy is NOT that you should go around declaring to everyone that you do pick up and like to have sex with beautiful women. The point is really to examine how your actions are really furthering the irrational stigma that pick up and sexual desire is creepy—and how to not be shy about it. And sometimes it takes a bit of push, to really come to grips with your identity, transcend the ego, and achieve full belief which expresses itself as congruence. Women appreciate honesty, at least some do. But to be honest with them, you need to first be honest with yourself. You need to be able to convince yourself that the stigma is irrational, and to go against social norms in a socially calibrated manner.If you found this post useful, great! But all that knowledge means nothing until you put it into action. Stop procrasturbating and start taking action...first by being a part of our closed-doors, roundtable of elite players in Singapore. Click here to see how you can get access to The Social Gym and start working your social muscles.