How To Start A Conversation (UPDATED WITH SCIENCE)

Do You Get Nervous?

When you see a girl on the street and you want to introduce yourself but you don’t really know what to say and your mind is just playing back possible scenarios of you getting rejected that you don’t take action and before you know it the girl is gone. Don’t worry, read on to find out how to start a conversation.

It’s not that hard really, as you’re about to find out, what you say really doesn’t matter.

UPDATE: How To Start A Conversation

The verdict is in, direct openers don’t work.

A bunch of researchers asked 600 men and women what types of conversation starters they preferred the best.

  • Pick up lines
  • Indirect, open-ended questions
  • Direct openers

While most of the men preferred direct openers, women favored indirect, open-ended questions. What this shows is that what the other dating academies are teaching are outdated PUA stuff. And here at The Social Lifestyle, we have been advocates of the Fractionated Opener.

Want to really learn how to start a conversation with a girl? Get our free video coaching. But if you are not yet convinced, here’s more unusual tips.

3 Unusual Tips To Starting Conversations

1. “Because”

I read this one study about an experiment done by Ellen J. Langer in which she set up three scenarios.

  • In the first scenario, the control experiment, an actor attempted to cut the line at a photocopying machine by saying, “May I use the photocopying machine?” Only 60 per cent of the people complied
  • In the second, the actor said “May I use the photocopying machine because I’m in a rush?” The result? 94% of the people allowed him to cut ahead.
  • The interesting part is that when the same actor said, “May I use the photocopying machine because I have to make copies?” Almost the same percentage of people let him cut ahead (93%).

I found this very interesting so I actually decided to work into into my openers. For the past three months or so, I stopped every set with, “Hi. I was heading that way and I had to come over because you were wearing ________.” I switched my opener around a bit depending on what they were wearing. Sometimes, it really was interesting. But there were occasions where it was just plain dumb (“I had to say hi because you were wearing slippers.”)

Interestingly, I didn’t really get any quizzical looks. None of the girls actually realized that it didn’t make much sense. And the rate at which I successfully stopped them were quite high. I wouldn’t attribute this result to the word “because”, rather, I feel that by using the word because, it eliminated any sort of insecurity that what I was saying wouldn’t make sense because it didn’t matter in the first place.

As long as I knew that I knew how to start a conversation, I wasn’t worried that I would run out of things to say or that she will take the compliment the wrong way. So next time you see someone you want to talk to, just pick something out about them and tell them that you had to talk to them because reasons.

2. Time Constraint

This is a little throw back to Mystery Method which I think works great for me. When I see a girl in a hurry, usually I will use a false time constraint to stop her (“I really have to get back to my friends but I had to say hi because….”) Surprisingly, it works well enough on girls in a hurry. The idea behind it is that you are addressing an unspoken objection before she even says it. By letting her know that you have to go and that you’re not planning to stay long, she will be more likely to stay.

I used to say, “Wait, just give me 30 seconds! 30 seconds then I’ll let you leave.” But I decided to cut that out recently because it was teetering on the edge of begging (aka needy) her to stay. By confidently implying that you’re not going to take up much of her time, she will either accept the frame or run off. In which case, just go along with it.

3. Silence

Opening without words is more of a night game thing for me. I am interested to try it in the day, though, and see how it goes. Also known as the Hand of God opener, no words are required. You just extend your hand, and invite her to take it, then pull her in or spin her around depending on whichever you prefer. Let the tension build while she attempts to break the silence.

Then fractionate and introduce yourself and just run normal game.

The Secret

It’s really not that difficult. First you have to remove the need to make sense. When learning how to start a conversation, realize that you are exchanging emotions not information. In the first 30 seconds of meeting you, the girl isn’t so much listening to what you’re saying as much as she’s watching how you’re presenting yourself. Are you nervous? Do you seem like you’re trying a bit too hard to get her to like you? Do you look like you’re selling her something? Is it a dare?

To paraphrase Jordan Belfort, are you enthusiasticsharp, and a force?

In terms of cold approach pick up, are you excited and enthusiastic to meet her or are you reeking of fear and anxiety? If you are, your emotional state will be transferred to her and she will feel something is off as well.

Next, are you confident? Do you carry yourself well? Dress well? Speak well? Do you display behaviors of someone who is successful and confident? Sharpness is not only mental sharpness but resourcefulness and ability to capitalize on opportunity. As Mark Manson argues, women are attracted to “potential status as much as they are attracted to status itself”.

Lastly, are you a force (of authority)? Are you in charge of your own life and of your own reality? Do people around you cede to your frame? Are you confident with your sexuality and able to make her comfortable with hers? Do you make her feel feminine?

Stop focusing on really what to say when learning how to start a conversation and focus on what type of vibe you are sending to the other person and I can guarantee your results will shoot through the roof.

If you found this post useful, great! But all that knowledge means nothing until you put it into action. Stop procrasturbating and start taking action...first by being a part of our closed-doors, roundtable of elite players in Singapore.Click here to see how you can get access to The Social Gym and start working your social muscles.
J Machiavelli

J Machiavelli

Headmaster and founder of The Social Gym, an inner circle of elite players who aim to take over the world one date at a time.
J Machiavelli
2017-01-27T20:02:37+00:00