How to Text a Girl: Foundations
If you’ve been following my blog for some time, you’d have noticed that most of the articles on how to text a girl have been guest posts by the guys I know who have been consistently converting numbers to dates. I have always shied away from writing “how to text a girl” articles in the past because 1. I do not like to text and so my conversion rate is very low, that means I only get yes girls or girls who, like me, do not like to text and, 2. my text conversations are usually boring and very mechanical.
It took me over a year of testing and trying to analyze the text of guys who I feel were getting more results than I was before I felt I could really break it the mechanisms of good text game down for you guys. Before we go into exactly how to text a girl, let’s first address what you need to set a good foundation.
1. It cannot turn a bad approach around
I won’t go into detail what a good approach is, but the three check boxes of a solid interaction that will increase the probability of the girl replying your first text is that the initial interaction has to have reached a hook point (she grounds herself and shows no signs of wanting to leave), investment (she is more invested in the interaction than you are), and normalized (you can “be real” with her and the interaction is not stuck in the fizzy/flashy/high octane energy level).
One question that puzzled me for a long time was why I would have a “good” interaction with the girl only to have her not reply. It frustrated me for a long time when learning how to text a girl, and I’m sure every one who actually does street approaches would experience this as well. Sometimes it’s really hard to explain. You might bring the girl through the entire process, but she still doesn’t reply to your ping text. In that case, there’s nothing you can do.
But more often than not it’s really a very simple thing: you didn’t hit either of the three aforementioned points.
They are meant to be sequential, you can’t normalize it before she is invested, and you can’t create investment if you haven’t hooked. The problem is, the interaction can seem good even if she hasn’t hooked. She may laugh and show that she’s enjoying herself, but it does not mean you’ve reached hook point.
And that’s why it confounds a lot of guys. They may be enjoying themselves, but as long as you don’t hit all three checkpoints of the interaction, chances are she isn’t going to reply your text.
Occasionally, you might get a reply and that’s great, but unless you run really tight text game and catch her at good moments, you might not even get to text her long enough for you to ask her out.
I experienced this very recently. She had just ended work and was in a hurry to rush off somewhere. I jogged up to her and stopped, and she did stop. The usual banter and fluffing with her but I could not seem to reach hook point. After a couple of minutes she said she had to go so I took her number and left. I sent a ping the next day and she replied apologetically that she was busy and so I left it at that. Lucky for me I managed to catch her at a better time at night and we texted quite a bit. I made a mistake by running “regular” text game on her and eventually she fell off the radar because she got too busy.
If the girl likes you, she will find time for you: plain and simple. It’s not that it’s personal, but that’s just how it is. And the only real chance you have to get her attracted is in the initial interaction. Once you part ways, whether or not she replies, is really out of your control.
2. Your goal is to get her out
When learning how to text a girl, remember not to be her text buddy.
I remember back when I was just a couple of months into the game. I did my first three set ON MY OWN (I didn’t expect it to go well but I did it just for kicks and to impress my wings). I managed to get her number and we began texting, but it went on for weeks. By the time I got the courage to ask her out, the dust had settled: I was becoming her text buddy—someone that she would talk to when she was free and bored and/or needed help with something. I eventually realized this and we stopped talking. About a year later I would see her at the club, re-establish a connection and take her out. Nothing came of the date, but it was a crucial lesson.
In every stage of process, you have to know what the goal is. And the reason you text (whether it’s before or after the first date), it’s to get her out. Nothing else. The process to asking her out might differ from girl to girl, but at no point should you lose sight of the goal. Even if you are just texting her to keep yourself on her radar, once you have sufficiently reinserted yourself into her reality: STOP texting her.
Also, don’t talk about deep emotional stuff over text. If it’s pressing, call her. If not just tell her to tell you whatever the next time you meet. More often than not, it’s just her wanting to rant about something in the moment and she’ll forget about it the next time. Don’t be her fucking Aunt Agony; she has BFFs to deal with that drama. The mood for texting entails a very limited scope, something which I will cover later.
There is an exception to this rule: the long game. If you meet a girl that you know you will not be able to meet in the near future (e.g., tourist, going away, keeps emphasizing her busy schedule), then it is important to become the guy that she talks to. Long game is a whole other ballgame altogether and demands an entire article on its own.
3. When in doubt, shut the fuck up
Unlike real-time, face-to-face conversations, text is asynchronous. What that means is that you can take as long as you like (almost) to reply to her. And what that means is that everything can be perfectly crafted—and should be when learning how to text a girl. What that also means is that everything that you say to her is there permanently. You don’t want to say something that you regret sending. So the golden rule is always: when you don’t know what to say, get off the phone. It doesn’t matter if you’ve got a good flow going on between the both of you; you can always restart it. What you can’t do is unsend a text.
So send your messages very carefully.
One rule I like to use is the Jumbotron test (credits to Heartiste—I think). If it’s not something that you will be proud of when it’s shown on a big screen where a stadium full of people can read it (not literally, but you get the idea), then don’t send it.
Of course we all make mistakes sometimes. At the point you notice it, stop texting and restart at a later point in time.
How to Text a Girl: Stay on her radar
Now that you’ve got the three foundational points on to how to text a girl, let’s move on to the mechanisms of how to text a girl: the “what to say” and how to say it.
First of all, almost every text conversation that I’ve seen can be summed up in one word:
Men and women communicate very differently. Men are naturally more logical and use words to bring across a message. Women are more emotional and use words to bring across a feeling. Which is why when you become overly wordy with your text, even if it’s to express a legitimate point, the girl will read into it as you “over-explaining” yourself (aka boring). That’s not to say keep your texts short and curt. More on this later.
Now, the texting process can be broken down into two parts: radar, and flow.
Each serves a separate purpose. Let’s examine the ping.
1. The very first text
Once you get her number and go on with your lives, most guys pull hairs over “how soon is too soon to text?”
There is no rule.
The fastest ping text I’ve sent is before we ended the initial interaction. After I got her number, I sent her a text immediately; something to the effect of
“You have subscribed to <Daily Chicken Facts> by J D. You will now receive fun facts about our delicious friends! Here’s your first cat fact: Chickens are the direct descendants of T-rexes. Stay tuned for more facts about chickens.“
Yes, I stood there and typed it all out while she wondered what was going on.
On average, I would send the first text the following day in the afternoon after 2pm. I do this for several reasons,
Texting in the morning is only for girls you’re seeing on the regular.
Flow texts work better at night than in the day (I don’t have actual statistics of this).
Both of you are probably busy and so you don’t have to reply after her reply.
Usually, once she replies the first ping, I leave it at that and don’t text her anymore. There are exceptions to this; when her reply encourages a response, you want to pick up the thread. You don’t have to reply immediately, but do reply later in the day. In fact, replying at night gives you the chance to immediately move into flow.
My usual first pings go like this:
Me: “Hi (name), it was nice to meet you 🙂 – J D”
That’s it. No callback humor. No nothing. Her response?
Her: “Hi! Nice to meet you too! :)”
That’s it. Leave it until later. The next part after the first ping will be flow, so pick a good time. Before we get into flow first, let’s talk about other kinds of ping texts.
2. The post-flow radar text
This is assuming that one of two things happened: either you did not manage to set the date during flow but it reached a hook point as well as investment, or you’ve set the date but it will be a week or more from the time of confirmation.
The post-flow radar text is meant to do a few things:
Let her peer slightly into your world,
Give her an idea of what to expect on the date, and
Keep yourself on her radar.
Post-flow radar text conversations are longer than first pings, but response time are infrequent and vary dramatically. The idea is that you are busy doing something (e.g., sitting in a cafe reading a book), and you’re showing her that before getting back to said activity. You are not putting down your book entirely to chat with her; it’s just an ‘check this out’ kind of frame.
Other pings can be you seeing something that reminds you of her (“I saw a guy walking his chihuahua
Or one that I used on a girl that worked as an ice cream scooper—and we were talking about Turkish ice cream sellers—was,
Me: “I saw you scooping ice cream!” [She wasn’t even at work then.]
Her: “Oh really?! Haha. You sure it’s me??? When!”
Me: “Pretty sure.” (send her a Googled image of a Turkish ice cream man)
The point is just to encourage a response and to stay on her radar. Don’t reply immediately, drag it out for as long as possible.
Note that some girls are simply not texters. Based on what you gather during the flow stage, see if post-flow radar texts are necessary. If they are the straightforward, no bullshit type, this part is not necessary. In fact, sending them post-flow radar pings will lean towards over-texting and she might not reply.
3. Post-date radar texts
If the date didn’t go so well, chances are you are not going to see her again.
But if it did, you can text her one or two days after the date (assuming she stayed over at your place and left in the morning, count from when the date ENDED). Depending on the type of girl and your personality, post-date radar texts may vary.
A) Strong tease ping
Used on girls with whom you’ve had good banter, gives you puppy eyes, and with whom you’ve had strong sexual connection on the date itself. Usually, there’ll be a lot of teasing and so it’s fairly simple to just use call back humor for this one.
“Hi crazy. 😉 You still owe me a box of chocolates remember? I’ll be expecting it.”
B) Comfort ping
Used on girls with whom you have strong rapport and have milder personalities. Most of the time guys who run “nice guy” game use this form of call back as ping. For example,
“Hi, how was the marathon run yesterday? I bet you can’t walk straight right now.“
[Note: post-date radar texts can also be used as the very first ping text PROVIDED you’ve build strong rapport (preferably instant date or extremely long interaction) with the girl during the approach.]
The main idea to note is that radar texts are not meant to be constant back and forths and are solely used for the purpose of gauging whether she (and you) is available at that point in time to engage in flow texting. If neither of you can commit to having a proper flow conversation, then don’t move to the next stage.
How to Text a Girl: Get into flow and get her out
Now that we’ve covered radar texts, let’s move on to flow texts.
1. Text her at the right time
Timing is very important. You’ll never be able to know (except by stalking her) when the perfect time is; so just try to estimate. The safest bet is after 10 pm.
Next, the one, sole indicator that she’s enjoying herself is that she is replying almost instantly. It doesn’t matter if she’s sending “haha” or “hahaha” or even “HAHA”. It doesn’t matter if she’s filling your screen with emojis or using exclamation points (“!”).
If she’s not replying frequently, she is not enjoying herself. Assume that when learning how to text a girl.
I understand that being fun is no simple feat. Fun is so subjective and ambiguous that it is impossible to break it down into steps. But more than just being fun, your conversations have to be captivating, which means it has to take her attention away from whatever she’s doing at the moment to the conversation the both of you are having. Rather than being the world’s most interesting person, you can capitalize on certain things to shift the tides in your favor.
Use things that you know about her to your advantage. If she’s a student, she’s most likely to have classes in the day. Text her at night. If she’s working until 10 pm, catch her on her ride home or when you think she’ll most likely be in bed preparing to sleep and just surfing Facebook.
The point of doing this is so that you can create a flow. Flowing is basically when the both of you are just text-bantering back and forth, without extended pauses in between.
You can also text her intermittently throughout the day, but the difference between radars and flows is that you don’t ask her out during radars, and you can only do that in flow when learning how to text a girl.
Another thing to take note of is her emotional state. Is she in a mood to banter? If she’s upset or tired or stressed, then getting into flow will be tougher. Wait until a better time.
2. Gather information
From her response to your texts, there are a few things you should take note of which can help you gauge how much, how often, and how to text a girl.
A) Is she a texter?
If she sends short and infrequent replies but seems generally compliant (she accepts your frame), and this fits with your assessment of her personality during the initial interaction itself, then get straight to the point. Set logistics to the date. Done.
Even if she’s not a texter; if she’s compliant, stop gaming. Just set the logistics and it’s done.
B) Is she invested?
Frequent replies with lots of exclamation points and emojis
Positive response to your attempts at humor (i.e.,”hahaha”—NOT “lol”)
Adds to the conversation (attempts humor, gives additional information, expands on conversational threads)
C) How likely will the date happen
Is she dodging your attempts at asking her out?
Is she offering counter-offers if she’s unable to meet you on your suggested date?
What is her schedule like?
Is it clear that this is a date and not just friends “chilling” or “hanging”?
Girls tend to unknowingly do this quite often, and it can be so subtle that sometimes even I don’t notice it until I re-read the conversation. It is important to take note of who is choosing the direction of the conversation. Is she dodging and are you going with whatever bullshit she throws at you to throw you off? Is she asking the questions?
Most of the times it starts off innocuously as a genuine question, you answer, and she asks a follow-up question, and you answer that and suddenly you’re in her frame. I notice this a lot in my texts. Girls are really masters of subtle frame-snatching.
In general there are a few types of responses,
A) The eager girl
She wants to know everything about you over text and incessantly asks question after question. The easiest way to deal with this is to seed the date immediately
B) The Stone wall
Short and curt replies. She refuses to follow up with your conversation thread (you might wonder why she’s even replying you at all). Snip and stack, or restart the entire thing later.
C) Shitty passenger seat
She constantly shifts the conversation away from your goal (to get her out) with some irrelevant bullshit. Acknowledge it, but don’t grab the thread. Get back on course.
D) Social retard
Sometimes the girl just doesn’t have social skills and can’t pick up on your conversational threads. If so, explicitly set the date by leading.
E) The bitch shield
Some girls just want to have fun, and they do so by tooling with guys. Sometimes they are just genuinely uncomfortable and so they shut down your teases or flirting. If she’s genuine, you can back off a little bit and redirect the conversation. If she’s throwing shit tests, handle it.
4. Use visual words
Like I mentioned before, girls operate more on the emotional wavelength than guys do; which means that you have to get out of your logical thinking and get creative.
Expand assumption stacks into assumption stories. Use visualizations to draw her in and then release the tension with a fun twist at the end. This may not come easily to many people; I, myself, am not a good fiction writer, but I try my best by emulating others. I remember a from long ago, back then I was trying using narratives for the first time. I painted a verbal picture about the both of us lounging by a pool. The sun is scorching and we are sipping on Piña coladas.
I ask her to describe what she’s wearing (a sun hat and a classic black bikini) and even describe the sweat dripping down her face. It’s all in third person. I get into the pool and occasionally throw in more opportunities for her to add to the story. The twist is playful, I describe me drowning (I told her I’m a bad swimmer, plus this draws her into the story—an unexpected direction) and then at the end I pull her into the pool.
Not everyone is good with words, but it’s worth a try. Get your creative juices flowing. Have fun experimenting with how to text a girl.
Even if you’re not telling a story, use descriptions like, “You look like you secretly like Taylor Swift. I can imagine you just locking yourself in your room, jumping on your bed, while lip syncing to Blank Space.” Put her into a box, then see if she qualifies herself or complies with the frame.
5. Setting logistics
The most important part: setting the date. Just like guys who use indirect openers inadvertently get stuck in the opener, many don’t know how to segue into asking her out. The simplest way for compliant girls is just to lead. When the flow is at a good high, cut into “Anyway, let’s grab that drink. Wednesday 8pm?” Then see how she responds. If she dodges, then cycle back to fluff or don’t reply and restart later.
Don’t set the timing and location in one text. Once she agrees to the time/date, then end it off by, “See you at Clarke Quay.”
Other ways you can flow into asking her out are, “Sounds like you need a drink. This friday 8pm?” or just tell her what you’re doing at the moment then ask her out (“I’m in town walking around taking photos. Coffee?”) Even if she’s not free at the moment, you’ve started the ball rolling. The rest is logistics.
Ultimately, how to text a girl shouldn’t be too much of a hassle; it’s merely a small part of the entire process. The length of this article might make it seem like a big deal when it comes to how to text a girl, but it’s really just details. You have to have the overall goal in mind and just work towards it.
And everything else will fall into place.
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